Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Happy Anniversary!

Today has been a wonderful day.

One year ago today, a Monday night, I thought my world was over. My heart was 14 years old and too chock full of emotion to see any sort of reason or comfort. December 3rd, 2012, was a sad day.
But it's December 3rd, 2013, and I'm here. About three miles away from where I was. But miles away from the shoe box I was in emotionally. I'm happy, I'm content, and I'm without regret. I haven't been able to say that for a very long time, and it feels absolutely wonderful. This post will be crazy and everywhere because I just want everything out of me. Out and into the world where people can read it, nod, laugh, and realize one more lesson can always be learned. The first of many thousands, I think. What an easy life I have had if something so trivial was one of my greatest trials.

After the break up, you all know I struggled. And I was ashamed that something so universal as a breakup could shake me so thoroughly, so I decided that I needed a makeover. The person I'd become while in that quick, dramatic, serious relationship at 20 years old was not very stable, and I needed to find my foundation again. I had become self centered, bitter, unwilling to take blame, and way too casual in my relationship with everything that should have been central.

I decided that my will needed to be abandoned. It was clearly not my path of happiness if Heavenly Father wasn't allowing it. So I needed to find His will, and live it to the best of my ability. I needed to learn how to love myself and the situation I was in. I needed to shut up, listen, and humble myself deeper than this sassy freckled thing had ever been humbled before.

Being ripped away from something you had built your future on makes you scrambling for a foundation. The old foundation I had had was just that. Old. It wasn't strong enough to support the turmoil I was putting myself through. So I started from scratch. And I built myself a new one in a year.

I decided I needed to be single. I needed to be alone to learn to enjoy myself. To enjoy the present to the absolute fullest, and quit mourning after the past or worrying about the future. I figured if I tried my best to be my best, Heavenly Father would take care of it. And so just like that, I put my plans in a little basket and sent it off into the reeds. And instead of singing a beautiful song and following it like Moses' sister Sandra Bullock, I turned around and started working on the current Tracie. And so began the greatest year of my entire life.

I know, that's a statement. I've had a dizzyingly wonderful life. But this year, beat all, just like Anne Shirley. I threw fits all the time and was lazy, but I stopped and tried again and again every time. I remember celebrating three weeks without crying. I can't help but smile now. I was so fragile. I still am, but now I have a shoulder to lean into at least. Heavenly Father has refined the snot out of me. And Heaven knows I've got leagues and leagues of more refining ahead of me.

I have so many people to thank for nursing me through that dark time. For putting up with my whining and listening to me cry. My saints of a father and mother, Kathrin, Shenay, Laura, Erik, Ally, Alan, Lindsay, Talia, Morgan, DJ, Nathan, the drunk man in Salt Lake haha, Jessica, Jenna, Bishop Bangerter, Hillery, Dallin, Faeiza, Ashley, Johnny and Cash, Katie, Ken, Keaton, Duzz, Bear, Niccole, Kylie, Katelin, Rachel, Brittnee, and anyone else who held me while I struggled.
But the person I especially need to thank is the man who broke up with me. If he's reading this, know that I have so much respect for you. That must have taken more courage than I can imagine. I've been so selfish in my mourning and hadn't considered how hard I was on you. I was (and still am) young, too fast to act on my feelings, and just reckless with your feelings and mine. You are an amazing person. And I can honestly say that I'm so excited to get your wedding announcement someday. I'm mostly excited though to run into you in ten years, when you have your wife and three kids tugging at you, and I have my husband and kids watching, we'll high five the biggest high five in history because we'll look at each other, smile, and know how far we've both come. Know that the other is happy and that there is at least one person in the world who knew you once, and is cheering on your progression.

It's such a sweet Father who lets us try and figure out how to find happiness in this life, and to allow us to make mistakes and be foolish, only to allow us the astounding rewards that we earn every day. I'm so grateful for Him. For His love when I had none for myself and refused to see anyone else's for me. He made me see beyond my puny squinted life and see the huge spectrum of love in the universe. It was painful, but He truly made me grow in ways I never dreamed up. And here I am, one year later, and that much wiser, and I love it. Again, I know I'm still a complete idiot, and I'm sure He agrees (but in a nicer way, I'm sure), but we both know that I'm on my way. And that's enough for now.

I feel more prepared for the life He has in store for me. I know how to deal with failures and successes (knowing and doing are two different things, but I can see that now). I've become content with the person I am and have learned patience in some excruciating ways.

Today has been a wonderful day. It snowed, one of my friends got the ring he's been making payments on for his sweetheart, I ate free pizza, I danced, and I loved myself and my life. I can say that I've finally made it to the top of this peak. Out of the handful between Rohan and Gondor, I've made it to the top of one. Haha. There are many more ahead of me, and there are many more ahead of all of you. So let's all enjoy them while they're slowly chiseling us into the better people we're meant to become. I love you all and hope you know how thoroughly I enjoy your puzzle piece in my 1000 piece life.

Y'all are the coolest. Have a likewise day.

Mic drop.

3 comments:

Margoth Tello said...

I love it! It was the first post ive read and it totally made me smile! Youre amazing and cant wait to read the next one :)

Margoth Tello said...

I love it! It was the first post ive read and it totally made me smile! Youre amazing and cant wait to read the next one :)

Erik Paul said...

Haha you crack me up. Good post. You are one good egg, Tracie Paul. Love ya!