whaddup oprah!

I come to you from the Taggart Student Center computer lab, from the shadows of the everlasting hills.

I really have 20 minutes to kill because I'm a goon and forgot my Genetics textbook so I have nothing to do before my Chemistry class. So I'm going to *falsetto voice, vibrato aplenty* 

BLOOOOOOOOOOG!
Pronounced blaaaahhh-guh.

Been a decent while, I guess! Super stoked for the semester to end in THREE WEEKS! And as soon as that Genetics final is over at 9:30 am that Friday, I'm driving 105 miles per hour down the I-15 to get to my new residence in DRAPER!
Watch out, rich granolas. Imma graffiti West Side and Logan stuff all over your classy organic town. And bushwhack your mountains so thoroughly I will have ruined all other hikers for them.

Just try and stop me in your Sanuks.

This summer will be packed to the brim with Victoria, Brayden, Audrey, Ellie, Ashley, Johnny and Cash and Dusty. And maybe some of my sisters, too. I'm so excited.

Also, my dance concert's coming up in a week and a half. Exciting, I know. We're all just messes of dopamine here in Logan.

Also I can't stop listening to this song. It's beautiful. Watch for the H-E-double hockeysticks word at the beginning, though. Cuidado!

It's like a beautiful mix of Black Keys, Beatles, and a teeny bit of Pinback electronic goodness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H570ifQfpDk

Nuggets of kNowledge to Nibble oN

It's been a little over three months of singularity. Remember how it was kind of like three months of delivering a baby calf? The first two months were bloody, and the third month has been delivering the afterbirth/cleaning up/working out again to get fit to attract another stud to put another baby cow in my belly.
So here I am. And guess what. I'M OKAY.
I know, we're all enormously surprised and floored. But, even more enormously flooring is that

I LEARNED STUFF. 

Crazy cool stuff. I feel like I just graduated from Hogwarts after the most intense seven years of my life, and I am so ready to contribute to my Wizarding community. All my Professors are proud and wrote me the finest letters of recommendation. 

So now, to etch it into the plates of my life, I'm typing it into my blog where it will live forever and ever.

A LIST OF  WIZARDLY DIZARDLY STUFF ONE LEARNS AFTER A WONDERFULLY MAGICAL RELATIONSHIP

Kiss at every single stop light you come to. Because you can.

Mistakes are the goal. They reveal your true intentions and give you the great opportunity to apologize and forgive.

Balance your life. Still retain your other friendships, it's healthy to not spend every second together.

It's important to like each other's friends.

Sacrifice for each other. It's the enzyme that speeds reactions up with less energy.

Serve them at every opportunity. Just another substrate that can fit in the active site for previously stated enzyme.

Leave Facebook out of it. Ew. Nuff said.

The sooner you know their struggles and cons, the better.

But my favorite giblets of goodness I've acquired are these:

1. Almost everyone is awesome and someone you could potentially spend your life with. 

So you can afford to be picky.

2. Someone thought you were beautiful without any makeup on. When you were sobbing and blowing your nose in their sweater. When you said things you didn't mean. When they saw you make stupid decisions and hate yourself afterward. When you made yourself look like an idiot. When you were mad at them. When you hadn't showered for days and were sweating like the Paul you are. But mostly, when they find out who you really are. 

And if someone thought you were beautiful, you are.

And someone else will, too.

So look forward to them, and in the meantime, you don't need anyone but good music, good friends, good family, good activities, and good thoughts. 

Peace and blessins.

Couple good thoughts to have simmering...

 “Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve. … I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I learned to walk with Him day by day.” 
- Elder D. Todd Christofferson


Reinforced constantly during my own review of the years has been my knowledge that our prayers are heard and answered. We are familiar with the truth found in 2 Nephi in the Book of Mormon: “Men are, that they might have joy.”¹ I testify that much of that joy comes as we recognize that we can communicate with our Heavenly Father through prayer and that those prayers will be heard and answered—perhaps not how and when we expected they would be answered, but they will be answered and by a Heavenly Father who knows and loves us perfectly and who desires our happiness. Hasn’t He promised us, “Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers”?
- President Monson "Consider the Blessings" Oct. 2012 General Conference

The pre-existent Tracie, trying to scott pilgrim vs. the world fight her way out of this haggard mortal Tracie

An appetizer for your ears. And I know how overplayed it is, but honestly, such a wonderful song. I'll run it into the ground tissue of my ear drums before I quit listening to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE

With that as the soundtrack for this post, I don't know how you could possibly stop reading here. Just like when I watched Ghost of Girlfriends Past by myself, and didn't turn it off, despite countless Young Women lessons on being able to turn off crap, because that's all that horrible movie was. Hot crap with chunks.

Anyways, ya'll aren't paying me to review movies graphically. You are, however, paying me a handsome sum for the musings of a 20-going-on-21 year old in Logan, Utah.

It's the Friday before the Spring Semester of 2013 starts! I'm so excited for this term. It will be quite difficult, but I think that I will work as hard as I expect myself to. I've realized that negative beat downs on myself with low expectations aren't very motivating, so hopefully this route works! I've been trying a lot harder recently to be more positive. Happiness is a decision! I've been reading the General Conference talks from this last fall, and it's been giving me a sound beat on my bottom for my Negative Nancy person I've been for, oh, six months?

*Next musical snack :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lr6OUM2RMI

But anyways. Trying to break out of these leg braces have been difficult and awkward, and I'm sure it's not over, because despite how easy Forrest Gump made it look, ain't nobody sprinting right out of those things. But I've been fortunate in receiving helpful advice from everyone, particularly one of my brothers! I had all this available space in my mind and heart and planner, and I was filling it with less than awesome things. He told me the best way to get past everything is to spend this new time and space with improving myself. With doing things I hadn't done but have always wanted to. And here is where my post transitions into every other person's blog format! Self improvement, goals, wish lists, but no baby/dog/outfit pictures. That's where it varies. Sorry, guysss.

*some more music stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBlpfXLQLvU

I'm happy. Not always, but I'm working on it. I'm not focusing on the end product, but the process there. (See Pres Uchtdorf's talk, I don't know which one, basically any would suffice because he's just plain awesome.)

Sometimes I'll slip into self pity, but after a few minutes of being absorbed, that Tracie that I'm trying to become will laugh, pull me out of my covers, and push me outside. Because she's the coolest person ever, and I can't wait to meet her. She existed before I was born, and Heavenly Father had the faith in me that I could get to know her during my short lifetime. You guys will like her, I just know it. She's kind of intimidating, but totally down to earth, you'll love her. and just hilarious. lemme tell you... <fade off as I tell stories of pranks she pulled and jokes she told in the pre-existence, in the most un-sacrilegious way>

Garth Brooks - who knew?

"wurh oh. Racie wrote arother brog porst, prepare for parrtry fourl" - The Scoobster.

Actually, I'm pretty sure if you tried to sound that out, it sounded nothing like Scooby Doo. Sorry!


But for reals, guys. It's ok. You don't have to get ready to feel bad for me. Because I'm done feeling bad for myself! It's fun to be emo for a second but not very practical, sadly. Sadly, haha, get it?

Meanwhile, you're screaming, "But Tracie, the Post Subject says Garth Brooks? What's that all about?" Then I calmly reply, "Guys, guys, take a chill pill. I'm getting to it."
And ya'll say, "But we're investing time and energy in reading this, and are thus far reaping nothing but inaccurate Mystery Van references!"
Then I say, "Well that's a bit hurtful. If you could just be like patient or something I'll get to it."
And you'll say, "Trace, we can only wait so long."
And I'll say, "But what about my need to entertain my throng of readers? I need to put something good in here like dialogues or something!"
And you shake your head and say, "You're a corker, Tracie. A real corker."
And I say, "Uh not really cause my hair is NOT naturally red, as you can see from the inch of blonde, and also I'm nothing like Nicole Kidman. Also I've never seen Tom Cruise's junk."
Then we look at each other silently, it gets suuuuuuper awkward, and I continue typing. And you continue reading.

Someone recently recommended I listen to the song Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks. My only exposure to this fine man was I've Got Friends, which is grand, but I gave it the old college try and an ear. I learned a few things, that country is good but not my favorite. And that the message of the song was true.
For those confused, this is the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7umsq5n1THw

Crazy good message. I loved it. But remember how there's always a lag between your brain hearing something and your soul acting on it? This lag is getting annoyingly long. But it's slowly getting closer to ending, and I'm starting to understand. I'm back on my feet. Which feels really nice after getting knocked over by just some stupid old wind.

I still miss him. But that's ok and expected, because he was a real cool cat and we learned a lot from each other. But it's clearly time to move on. So I'm going to quit asking why and just plunge ahead. And it'll all work out. I'm stoked for that to happen. And I'll get another trial to spear through the heart and jig upon its mean stupid face. And on and on until further on in the electron transport chain, I've accumulated so many protons that I can finally make 34 more ATP to continue living the crap out of life. :)
Thanks for being my friends, friends. You guys are like the greatest.

"You're a witch", three year old Audrey, pronounced very differently.

 Your Bette Midler moment, brought to you by Viewers Like You. And PBS.

In the Howl this year, my dance group is performing a routine about witches possessing children, fighting priests and all that awesome halloween junk. Exciting, I know. I get to be a witch and basically just dance like I'm super pissed at everything. It is very satisfying to dance to Batman soundtracks and glare at everyone when it's all I want to do anyways. I probably would have carried a boom box around with it blaring and sulking at everyone anyways, had I not this opportunity. Isn't it odd how temporarily satisfying it is to just baste in your misery? But then three minutes later, you feel far too saturated in the nasty stuff that you want out, but then you're in that painted corner like in the Mormonad and you just want to start all over again? I guess I could search the scripture on the bottom of said Mormonad to find a solution, but it's far too thrilling to just splash paint all around me for the moment. And who doesn't want to be the kid wearing those socks.

Anyways. I'm quite satisfied to be the femme fatale in the Howl. Because I feel like it. I feel like I'm dancing around in a jig pooping in everyone's salads at lunchtime. I'm the heartbreaker. Of someone not deserving. But who deserves to get their heart broken. Besides Ted Bundy. But he'd probably just go on another killing spree in his broken state so maybe not. I know he'll be fine, and I know I'll be fine. But I can still feel like a jerk. Someone who didn't deserve the sweetness she was getting. I need to grow up, figure out my head. It's just a jumble, I don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what I'm supposed to be feeling/thinking, what's going on or anything. I'm just listening to Bon Iver and the Staves over and over again to further baste me in my sadness. Isn't it so typical.

The hardest part of this is faith. How am I supposed to get someone like him again. How do I know this was the right thing to do. How am I supposed to face him after his last words are, "I'll leave you alone now." How am I supposed to know that it wasn't the love I'm supposed to base my life off of. Maybe it is and I just threw it away because I'm an idiot and a coward and terrified of anything new.

The only thing keeping me from begging him to hold my hand again is the fact that I didn't deserve it from him, and that he doesn't deserve it from me. I don't deserve his forgiveness or trust, and he doesn't deserve my doubt and anger. So we have to move on. There is no other option. And maybe some day I can grow up and wear big girl panties and deserve someone as amazing as Kevin.

Well, I have to go study rocks now. I know you love me and support me, but just let me be a whiny bum head today that poops in delicious salads, ok?
And I really do know it'll all be ok in the end, so don't leave this post thinking I'm going to go bash my head in with the rocks I'm going to go study. Because I promise I won't. I love Donkey Kong and food and my family and friends too much for that. Because really, I'm quite the fortunate soul and have much to be happy for. :)

Habbbbbfff.

Habf: spoken with great exasperation, puffing up your cheeks to make a loud sound and stopping it by making a Mulan-full-of-breakfast face.

Meaning: Well, that sucked. Just kidding. That was a funny joke, huh.
Context: Habbbbbfffff on previous post.

Don't get me wrong, I know it was a genuine post. Extremely, almost too much so, honest. Our relationship was truly over. One week later, as we were trying to be friends again (because really, we are best friends, we couldn't lose our friendship on top of our benefits in the same day), I was starting to get bitter. Thinking about how mad I was that it could have worked. So I started shutting him off, and he decided we needed to have a massive talk in a Wendy's parking lot over frosties. Three hours later, and many much tears, we had talked every single detail of our rise and fall (thanks Faith and Tim) into the ground. So I told him that I'd give him another chance in a year or two, but that separation was best in the meantime.
Now that my bitterness was gone, we returned to friendship. I invited him to come on a hike/campout with my wonderful roommates and their friends, and we had an amazing time. It was so fun. But at the same time, it sucked. Which is why exes shouldn't be friends one week later. But it did. And on the ride home, we accidentally held hands.
I had so many thoughts. I was furious, confused, super wary, and just lonely. And I knew he was lonely. And I couldn't handle that. So we had another talk. But this time, it was the opposite. Where I had been the one sprinting with confetti streaming out of the sides of my mouth to the altar and dragging him behind me, he was the one sprinting. I couldn't believe that one week had changed his attitude. But he was so happy, excited, and just overcome. I never felt more worshiped in my life haha. I was still super scared though. I had given so much and left empty handed, I didn't want to do it again. So slow and steady, we're on again.
It has been amazing. I don't think I've ever been this happy. Kevin is one of the greatest men I have ever met, among men like my Dad and Bishop Elwood. So selfless, and he works so hard. We are truly best friends. For his birthday, we went on a six hour hike. And I loved that not one moment was silent. Eight months later, we still have so much to talk about. Religion, politics, friends, love, life, we talk about it all. And it's so fun. He thinks I'm hilarious. I think he's adorable. And just like that, we are back in a relationship. It's been about two months, and we've been so happy. Now I just need to learn how to balance everything else. School, dance, friends.
I really just need to learn how to retain all of my friendships now. Turns out, no matter how much you love people, there's still only 24 hours in a day, and you have to sacrifice to hang on to everything that you have to. So that's the great challenge of this month!
So that's all, friends. Hopefully that clears things up and keeps you from worrying about my broken relationships. Because I know you were.